zwolanerd

I’m not one for procedurals. I’ve seen fewer than three episodes of Law & Order, and maybe 10 or so episodes of CSI. When my wife and I were dating, she introduced me to Bones and we started watching through the series on DVD until we finally caught up to the broadcast episodes. It’s appointment TV for us, even if it is slightly delayed because if we wait fifteen minutes, we can fast forward through the commercials and still be done at the normal time. We love the characters and the relationships, and that’s what keeps us coming back in spite of the gory, gory bodies that show up. I mean, dang, dudes – every season has been a “how can we top last season, gore-wise?”

The show was recently renewed for a ninth season, so it’ll be around at least one more year. I’m okay with that as long as they don’t do anything dumb, like split up Bones and Booth, because I would seriously get frothing mad over that, which means they’ll probably do that because TV writers hate me and are constantly doing things like that to me. I don’t know what I ever did to them, but the whole business with Jim & Pam on The Office this season is just more proof.

ANYWAY

TV shows don’t last forever, so it’s only a matter of time before Bones closes up shop, I know. A discussion on Twitter yesterday got me thinking about an end to it that I would love to see, even though it will never happen and I would be the only one that would ever love it. So, in lieu of it ever being filmed, I thought I’d present it here. I don’t know how to write scripts, so I just did it this way.

The Last Few Minutes of the Last Episode of Bones

Booth pulls into his driveway and wearily exits his SUV. The last several months have been the most taxing he has ever faced in his years with the FBI. A run-in with the serial killer the squints had dubbed “Cruento” had left Bones in a coma, and their daughter Christine was missing. Seeley was exhausted, terrified, heartbroken, and furious. His only thought as he enters the house is to get some sleep so he can get back on the case.

The camera follows Booth into the darkened house. Someone hits him over the head with a club, and he crumples face-forward to the floor. Fade to black.

Fade in. Booth is tied to a chair, slumped over, a black bag over his head. He struggles to no avail.

Female voice: Oh, good, you’re awake.

As she talks, she circles Booth, but we don’t see her face.

Booth [yelling]: Who are you? What do you want? I am going to —

FV: Shhhhhhh. Hush now. Everything’s going to be okay now. I’ve finally found you.

Booth: What are you talking about? Who are you?

FV: You don’t recognize my voice? Hmph. Well, it has been a long time, I guess. You’ll remember me soon enough.

She pulls a chair over in front of him and sits down, we still don’t see her face. Slowly, almost lovingly, she pulls the black bag off Booth’s face. He squints and angrily searches her face.

Booth: I – who are you? I’ve never seen you before in my life!

FV: Oh, lover, that’s not true! We go back a long way. A long, long way.

Booth: You’re crazy! I don’t know who you are! If you have Christine, I’ll —

FV: You really don’t remember me? What have they done to you?! It doesn’t matter – I’m here to fix this. I’ve been working towards it for months.

The camera pulls back and we see Booth’s chair is in the center of a circle filled with mystical symbols drawn in blood. Booth sees the symbols for the first time. We still do not see FV’s face.

Booth: What is this? What are you doing?

FV [taking his face in her hands]: They thought they were helping you, curing you – HA! But look what it’s done to you! You’ve aged so much. If I left you like this, you’d die!

Booth is completely flummoxed now, speechless

FV: All these years, living among them, still trying to help them even when you don’t know who you really are. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Have you enjoyed your days in the sun? I looked for so long for a way to make you right again, working for months to collect what I needed…

The camera pans around the room, and it becomes clear by the items collected that FV is Cruento. The camera continues its pan back to Booth, and then slowly starts to turn towards Cruento during the following:

Cruento: …and now there’s just one more thing left to do. Soon you’ll have your memories back and be by my side and we will be together forever… Angelus.

The camera reveals Darla’s face the second before she says his name, then she vamps out and lunges towards his neck.

FADE TO BLACK

———-

ALTERNATE ADDITIONAL ENDING:

Cut to door slamming open.

Buffy [stake in hand]: How many times do you have to die before it finally takes?

Darla snarls and leaps for Buffy.

FADE TO BLACK.

———-

Notes:

• Cruento is the Big Bad for the whole season leading up to this, a serial killer with no evident patterns other than the method of killing: completely draining the victim of blood before skinning them and leaving the body surrounded by mystical undecipherable (by the Jeffersonian team, anyway – Giles would have it in two seconds) symbols
• A little dark for Bones, yes?
• This ending completely ignores Buffy Season 8 and any of the Angel comic books as well. Deal with it!

 

So I guess I’m writing fanfiction now?  I didn’t mean to, it just got spurred by the Twitter conversation, a love for the Buffyverse, and and extreme appreciation for the ending of Newhart. I’m sorry about all this. Come back tomorrow and things should be back to normal. Maybe I’ll have some cat gifs or something.

Tags: Bones

Written by: Mark