zwolanerd

So far this year I have seen 30 movies in the theater (with no repeats, even). It would be more, but my usual movie-going buddy and his wife had a baby in early November, so I haven’t been to as many as I’d like this fall. I thought I would undertake the daunting task of trying to orderize all 30 of them. I would have called this task “Herculean,” but I didn’t end up liking Hercules all that much.

I went back and forth on doing one long list or breaking it down into sections, and I ultimately decided to do both: one long list broken down into sections.

I assume there are movies that were released this year that should be on this list, but I’m limiting it to movies I’ve seen. Perhaps I’ll do a follow-up list some time entitled “That Best Movies I Haven’t Seen Yet (2014).”

Disliked

30. Transformers: Age of Extinction – The frustrating thing about these movies is that they could be good. A war between gigantic transforming robots shouldn’t be that hard to film.

29. Noah – I have two words for you: rock monsters.

Meh

28. Pompeii – It’s nice to see Kiefer Sutherland getting work, at least.

27. Lucy – Take away the “use 100% of your brain!!1!” nonsense and I actually quite like this movie. Adding that in drops it waaaaaaaaaaaaaay down the list (to #27, it would appear).

26. Hercules – If they would’ve gone the mystical route and had him do the 12 Labors it would’ve been so much cooler. Cool at all, even.

25. Sin City: A Dame to Kill For – More of the same, which isn’t the worst thing, but isn’t the best.

24. Robocop – There was more to like in this movie than I expected. Michael Keaton, for instance.

23. The Expendables 3 – Take out the “new team of youngsters” part of this movie and not only will that shorten it by 45-60 minutes, it also makes it way more enjoyable.

22. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 – Emma Stone: yes. Andrew Garfield: okay. Peter Parker’s parents: no one in the history of ever has wanted to know more about them.

21. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Tip for filmmakers: make your film about the thing(s) named in the title, not about Megan Fox.

Liked

20. Non-Stop – Liam Neeson can make all the old guy action movies he wants – I will see every one of them.

19. Lone Survivor – I was tense the entire time I watched this movie, and I was well aware the one guy was going to make it through.

18. Godzilla – Another tip for filmmakers: make your film about the thing named in the title, not [whatever humans happen to be around]

17. Equalizer – See my note on Liam Neeson above, substitute “Denzel Washington”

16. 47 Ronin – I will most likely always enjoy martial arts movies with a touch of the mystical, but I still don’t like anime.

15. Wish I Was Here – Mandy Patinkin was marvelous. Kate Hudson was wonderful. Everybody else did okay!

14. Transcendence – I liked the take this movie had on AI and humanity. Everybody else seemed to really dislike this one.

13. Maleficent – Angelina Jolie was magnificent as Maleficent, and I bet you can’t say that ten times quickly.

12. How to Train Your Dragon 2 – Cat-based dragons are the best dragons.

11. John Wick – I will simply point you to the Joe Loves Crappy Movies comic about this one.

Loved

10. Muppets Most Wanted – Not as good as The Muppets and a bit derivative of The Great Muppet Caper, but it has Tina Fey, Ty Burrell, and, oh yeah, the Muppets.

9. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes – I am not sick and tired of these monkey-fightin’ apes on th— no, no, I can’t even bring myself to finish it. Sorry, everyone.

8. Edge of Tomorrow – Emily Blunt kicks all the butts, but for some reason the movie focused more on Tom Cruise.

7. The Grand Budapest Hotel – I never know how to describe Wes Anderson movies to people. “I like them, but I don’t know if you will.”

6. Her – I felt this movie was more about the human need for companionship and love than it was about technology taking over every aspect of our lives. Sweet, sad, and touching, with a little bit of weird (those pants!) thrown in for good measure.

5. Interstellar – Why am I not able to buy a TARS action figure yet?

4. X-Men: Days of Future Past – Hugh Jackman can make all the Wolverine movies he wants. I will see every last one of them.

3. The Lego Movie – The song is still stuck in my head.

2. Guardians of the Galaxy – Funny and action-packed and almost perfect in tone. Groot’s the best, and Rocket’s not far behind him on the list. They are this generation’s Han & Chewie.

1. Captain America: The Winter Soldier – People are starting to gripe about “shared universe movies,” but when they’re done as well as the Marvel films are I don’t see what the problem is. Cap is great, but Black Widow and Falcon almost steal the movie from him. They make a great team.

Tags: Tuesday10

Written by: Mark